Without realizing it. It's been a year 🎉
On May 27, 2025, I was hospitalized for surgery to remove a malignant tumor. Two weeks later, I was diagnosed with the rarest and most challenging HER2-positive breast cancer. In July of the same year, I began intensive chemotherapy, radiation therapy, targeted therapy, and various departmental examinations and treatments, along with constantly emerging side effects, sequelae, and complications.
This year, I experienced two life-or-death situations. During my first chemotherapy session, I developed an infection and sepsis. I spent three days in a negative pressure ward, receiving high-intensity injections and antibiotics. My body was covered in needle marks; I walked right through the gates of death. From then on, chemotherapy was followed by 3-5 small injections. I went to the clinic every day, and eventually, I mastered the art of administering injections myself 💪
On New Year's Eve, 2025 transitioning into 2026, I spent the night in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy, ready to happily welcome the new year. Five days later, I developed acute pneumonia, with suspected lung metastasis. I had a high fever of 42 degrees Celsius for three days and three nights, enduring eight days in the hospital. Thanks to the doctors' efforts and the nurses' dedication… It's been over a year since my diagnosis, surgery, and chemotherapy.
So many ups and downs, every scene feels like yesterday.
The image of me facing the reports alone is still vivid in my mind.
The clinic doctor patted my shoulder and said, "You're still young."
The surgeon at the big hospital told me during the biopsy, "Our goal is for you to live beautifully to 70 or 80 years old." 💪
After the surgery, he said, "The tumor is completely cleared." 🥳
At the follow-up appointment, the long list of test results, with the doctor highlighting key points as he explained:
"Progesterone receptor negative, not good. Estrogen receptor negative, not good."
Her2 positive. I thought, finally, it's going to be good, right? 😂
But it's still "not good." 😂
The hematologist-oncologist said, "Without chemotherapy, the 3-year survival rate is 30% higher with chemotherapy, and another 30% higher with targeted therapy."
I don't know how to describe my feelings during these processes.
But I haven't experienced any emotional fluctuations, not even a single tear. Am I too strong? 🤣
Then I wandered alone throughout the entire hospital. I practically tried out all the medical equipment, so it was definitely worth the price of admission! 🤣
This post might be a bit negative today.
Honestly, it's really hard to stay positive all the time, but I'm actually quite optimistic and have a strong heart! 😂💪
After the surgery, I only rested for 3 days before resuming my normal work routine. Driving, delivering goods, carrying eggs, opening the shop in the afternoon, and operating the store. In the evening, I processed eggs and delivered them. I quickly got back to my normal routine.
Wearing a wig and a mask, many people didn't even know I was sick. In the sweltering heat, I wore a corset for almost a month, and a rash broke out.
I changed my dressings alone at night, unable to wash my back or my hair properly.
Even dressing and undressing were difficult.
One day, I couldn't pull the corset properly, so I called two young women to help.
Each on one side, they pulled it until my tears finally fell.
That was three months after my diagnosis, my first breakdown.
It was the instant collapse of my self-worth and my sense of inadequacy.
How could I not even do something so simple?
June 24th, I went to the operating table alone. Local anesthesia, inserting an artificial blood vessel.
The sound of the scalpel, the smell of burning meat, the pulling sensation on my skin... the uncontrollable tears and trembling—that hour felt incredibly long.
Damn it. I even encountered an X-ray machine malfunction, so I only had one wound opened.
I was left standing on the operating table for 20 minutes 🤣
My first chemotherapy session started on July 2nd, and I still had a bed to lie on.
The feeling of the icy liquid penetrating my body is something I still can't forget.
The discomfort and rejection of all the medications, the deep fear at that moment
Nausea, stinging pain, urinary urgency, dizziness, weakness—basically, nothing felt like my own. Sometimes I really wondered if my soul had left my body.
From the second to the fourth session, there wasn't even a bed to lie on. I sat hunched over a simple sofa chair, receiving four hours of chemotherapy.
I always went in full of energy and came out completely exhausted.
I remember one day during a typhoon holiday. After finishing my medication, I came out of the hospital in a storm. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, struggling to press the accelerator, which was almost too slow to press, and drove back to the shop in the wind and rain.
At that moment, I felt that even the most difficult things couldn't be this bad 💪
The day before I developed sepsis, I had a fever all night, but I still insisted on finishing my deliveries and settling my child into school before slowly driving to the emergency room. When I arrived, the nurses were on high alert. Only then did I realize how serious "chemotherapy fever" really is.
The second time, I suddenly had a fever without warning. I knew I was probably going to be locked up again. I still forced myself to endure the fluctuating temperatures and body aches, completing my work for the next day, delivering supplies, preparing everything, and even packing my hospital bag. I went to the hospital for a CT scan. The lab technician was terrified the moment he touched my body. He took my temperature—41 degrees Celsius—and told me to go to the emergency room immediately, asking, "Do you need a wheelchair?" Tears instantly welled up in my eyes. That was my second breakdown.
Besides the discomfort, there was helplessness. Why was there no one there...?
When the doctor said there was suspected lung metastasis, my mind went blank.
But my emotions calmed down too. All I could think about was what to do next, how to arrange treatment, how to handle all the big and small matters.
At the thyroid clinic, the doctor said my thyroid gland was calcified and the tumor was growing rapidly, about 70% likely to be thyroid cancer. He recommended immediate surgical removal. Actually, I didn't have any particular emotions at that moment; I just felt... why did it have to happen again? I must have been a really bad person in my past life 🤣 But because I'm still undergoing chemotherapy and my health data isn't great, the doctors are hesitant to operate.
That was the first time I felt lost and fearful.
Fear of surgery, uncertainty about what other treatments might be available.
During chemotherapy, my hair was slowly falling out.
I stubbornly kept growing it, just to see how much it would fall out! 🤣
At first, it was just falling out in clumps.
But during the three days I was in the negative pressure ward, seeing hair everywhere—on the floor, the bed, the whole room—I really started to feel terrified. Looking in the mirror at my bulging scalp, it felt like I was finally accepting the fact that I was sick. 😅
I even cleaned up the hair in the ward myself, afraid of scaring the cleaning lady. But the sheer amount of hair still surprised her! 😂
As soon as I was discharged, I found my best friend from junior high.
She shaved my head into a short bob and taught me how to wear a wig to look natural. That's how we reunited. We talked about so many embarrassing and happy things from junior high. I never imagined that after nearly 20 years since graduation, we'd reunite like this! 🤣 It was a great memory. ❤️
In the end, in less than a month, my hair turned into a fireball! Every time I delivered goods to customers… I kept saying, "The female Vin Diesel is here!" 😂
It's good, saves me the hassle of washing my hair, so much more comfortable! 🤣
That was the first time I felt that being bald was a good thing; I could keep changing my hairstyle! ❤️
In October, I switched to high-intensity paclitaxel and a very hard target,
starting my hospital stay. The first four paclitaxel treatments were truly torture, a day and a night of torture. I'd have a low-grade fever and feel weak the day after each treatment,
along with peripheral tingling and numbness. I was always drowsy until midnight before going downstairs to find food. One day, sitting under the arcade next to the hospital, looking at the hospital building,
suddenly, I felt lost, wondering how many more treatments I had to go through, how long this road would last,
would it be better after it was over? That was the first time I felt lost and questioned.
At the end of January 2026, I started 20 more radiation therapy sessions,
rushing to the hospital every day, delivering goods, opening the shop. Thankfully, my two daughters were on winter break. They stayed by my side, accompanying me to and from the hospital, helping with chores at the shop. I was initially terrified of radiation therapy, fearing the high dose of radiation
would damage my heart and lungs. Thankfully, I made it through all 20 deliveries safely, without missing any customers or disrupting my work. Suddenly, I felt quite strong! 💪
For the first time, I felt proud of myself! 🤣🤣
But the side effects that followed were red, swollen, and inflamed skin, a dull, grayish complexion, and a burning sensation. Applying medication every night was excruciating! 😭
Luckily, it was still early spring, not yet so hot.
I think it must have been God's mercy on me! ❤️
That year, I also experienced discomfort from chemotherapy due to taking too many painkillers.
During daytime deliveries, I was exhausted and had two car accidents.
Thankfully, I was unharmed both times, only suffering minor vehicle damage. And thankfully, I encountered kind people both times.
Although I reported them to the police, they were both willing to settle peacefully.
This experience honed my driving and parking skills! 💪😂
I also fainted in the shop due to a loss of red and white blood cells, and then woke up on my own.
For the first time, I felt desolate and panicked.
Also, I had severe muscle pain and persistent diarrhea. There were too many things to do. People around me didn't understand, and there were even malicious voices and insults, which made me irritable. Anxiety
And due to nerve damage in the fingertips, there was weakness, soreness, and numbness. I broke eggs, broke things, even had difficulty holding a pen, and couldn't feel anything when picking up or wiping eggs. I even lost my grip on the steering wheel and bumped into a telephone pole! 🤣
Also, medication caused fluid buildup in my heart, leading to frequent drops in blood pressure, trembling hands and feet, or chest tightness and sharp pain.
Furthermore, because I was in the hospital, there was no one to pick up my child, and problems arose at home and the shop. I couldn't leave, feeling helpless and anxious.
Finally, because I had to solve these problems, I had to discuss with customers and busily restock for the two days before my hospitalization. Many customers have been very supportive until now, but I've also lost some customers because of this.
All of these symptoms, discomforts, setbacks, and emotions... are actually not known or understood by many people; some even misunderstood.
By the end of March, only targeted therapy remained, and all the side effects began to gradually subside. I'm getting used to it.
I'm gradually finding my rhythm in facing life and work problems. For the first time, I feel proud and calm. What can be difficult for me now? So many storms and difficulties... I've even walked through the gates of hell. I guess I have no regrets in this life 😂
If there's such a thing as birth, aging, illness, and death, I've experienced it all in these 36 years.
Today marks one year since I last had it, and I'm so happy and lucky to have survived so many trials and tribulations 💪
Although chemotherapy is still ongoing, it's starting to count down.
Although thyroid cancer still needs treatment. But at least it's under control.
Although there's suspected lung metastasis, at least it hasn't worsened.
Although there are other tumors, and the situation is still unclear, they're all under control.
Although there are still many side effects and aftereffects, I can still face life independently. 💪
Tonight, I feel a pang of fear. I don't know what "getting better" means.
I don't know if I'll ever get better, I don't know what the end will be.
For the first time, I'm starting to feel fear about "death."
And the fear is, I'm just about to get better, can I enjoy a few more years? 🤣 Can I see my children grow up and look like they're alive? 🥹
Many people say I'm strong, obsequious, optimistic, and positive.
Some say I'm getting my comeuppance, being stubborn, playing the victim, selfish, and refusing to admit my mistakes.
But, to paraphrase the story of Su Dongpo meeting the Buddha,
"If you have Buddha in your heart, you'll see Buddha everywhere; if you have shit in your heart, everything you see will be shit."
Along the way, from leaving home to marriage, divorce, opening a shop, to illness,
some people helped, some ignored. Some encouraged, some cursed.
I used to endlessly doubt everyone's opinions, engaging in self-destructive behavior. Striving to live up to "what others expect,"
or desperately trying to prove oneself wrong.
Now, I try to tell myself:
How you see me, how you comment on me, is your business.
It doesn't represent me, nor can it affect me.
Just like these experiences—illness, warmth and cold, joy and sorrow—
only I myself have truly experienced them, only I truly understand.
Others' opinions of me are determined by what's in their own hearts.
Conversely, I myself am the same. I convince myself, I hold fast to my convictions:
I am not sick. I will get better and better. I will become more and more peaceful.
Regarding the people and things I see and touch. Everything will get better and better ❤️💪
I've overcome these difficulties alone, facing illness and pain, and I haven't collapsed.
I haven't burdened or troubled anyone. I'm already very strong and lucky.
Happy one-year anniversary ❤️
Thank you for living another year 💪
Thank you to everyone and everything along the way who has shown love and kindness ❤️
Thank you to the universe 🌟✨🌍🌔
Thank you for positive energy 🎉
I haven't joined any cults or have any particular religious beliefs 🤣
I haven't taken any folk remedies or miracle drugs, so I haven't been involved in MLM or promoted any religion 😂😂
But really, mindset and attitude are very important ✨
Optimism, emotional stability, and positive energy will bring abundant rewards 💪
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