If you love someone with cancer, here are 10 things we want you to know.
1. **We do not always need you to fix it.**
Some things cannot be made better with advice or reassurance. Sometimes we just need someone willing to sit beside us in the fear, anger, sadness, and uncertainty without trying to rush us out of it.
2. **“Stay positive” is not always comforting.**
We are allowed to be terrified. We are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to have days when gratitude and positivity feel impossible. Making room for those feelings does not mean we have given up.
3. **Treatment ending does not mean the experience is over.**
Our bodies may still be healing. Side effects can linger. Scan anxiety, fear of recurrence, and trauma can follow us long after everyone else believes we have returned to normal.
4. **Please do not disappear because you do not know what to say.**
You do not need perfect words. A simple “I am here,” “I am thinking of you,” or “You do not have to go through today alone” can mean more than you realize.
5. **Do not assume looking well means feeling well.**
We may smile, get dressed, go to work, care for our families, or post happy pictures while still carrying pain, exhaustion, fear, and grief that no one else can see.
6. **Please keep including us.**
We may not always have the energy to come, but being invited reminds us that we are still part of the world outside of cancer. Let us decide what we can handle instead of deciding for us.
7. **Our needs may change from day to day.**
One day we may want company. The next day we may need silence. Sometimes we want to talk about cancer, and sometimes we desperately need to talk about anything else. Please do not take those changes personally.
8. **Cancer can change the way we see everything.**
Our bodies may no longer feel safe or familiar. Small symptoms can feel enormous. Ordinary moments can feel sacred. We may be mourning the person we were while trying to understand who we are becoming.
9. **The people who love us are affected too.**
We know this is frightening and painful for you. We may not always have the strength to comfort you while we are trying to survive, but that does not mean we do not see your fear, your exhaustion, or the ways you are carrying this with us.
10. **Please understand that cancer may change who we are.**
Some of us do not feel like the same person we were before diagnosis. Cancer can change the way we think, trust, plan, love, and move through the world. We may still be learning who we are now. Please do not pressure us to “get back” to the person we were. **Love us where we are at, even if that place is unfamiliar to you.**
Most of all, please understand that we do not need you to have all the answers.
We just need you to keep showing up.
Not only when the news is frightening. Not only during treatment. Not only when you know exactly what to say.
Just keep loving us through all of it.
Jessica's Healing Journey 💙
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