Port

Before the implanted blood vessel was installed, I took some photos of my hair and myself 🥰

The lymphoma is located in my chest, so I decided to make an exception and wear a low-cut dress, even though my bra size has increased due to the cancer, and went for a walk with a friend at the Stanford Shopping Center (flipping my bangs).

I think the path to loving yourself is about becoming more and more flexible and resilient.

Accepting my various emotions and feelings, from initially being a bit out of control and extreme, to later feeling more relaxed and flexible as I accept myself more.

Even a 12cm+ cancerous tumor is something I'm making the most of by wearing low-cut dresses 😎💃

Everyone says I'm very optimistic, but that's actually because I had so many terrible experiences growing up. As a child, I felt powerless; my whole family was hunted by gangsters for 10 years because of my parents. So now, I feel that chemotherapy is just a small fry for me 🍰

When it comes to loving yourself, many people think it means you can start being willful or buying lots of things you like.

I think that's only part of it. Conversely, we should ask ourselves, why do we have these behaviors and actions?

Often, people assume it's because external circumstances prevent them from being themselves.

But the reality for many is: I don't want to take responsibility for my past choices (sacrificing, compromising myself).

After all, no one held a knife to my throat forcing me to make those choices.

It was my excessive desire to be a good person that made things difficult for me.

🌿It turns out that what truly makes things difficult for you is never others, but yourself.

One day, I began to awaken, wanting to love myself and no longer wanting to compromise. I started to say no, and some friends have told me they would react extremely by yelling and shouting back.

I myself haven't yelled at anyone or reacted extremely negatively to anyone, unless the other person is truly unreasonable (like when I was critically ill, my mother took it for granted to borrow money in my name).

In fact, more and more friends, online friends, and classmates say that thinking of me brings them warmth 🥰

So, returning to the topic of loving yourself, I personally believe that the more you accept yourself, the softer you become.

You'll begin to understand:

I'm capable of having complex emotions and feelings, and you'll begin to accept that others can too.

Loving yourself means cherishing yourself. Focusing on taking care of yourself, fulfilling your responsibilities, and valuing your limited time and energy, instead of dumping responsibilities and obligations on others and expecting them to fulfill your needs.

Some people have told me they can firmly refuse others, unafraid of being disliked.

I think this is a huge misconception.

But it's also something rarely learned in Asian thought.

I can be myself, be the person I like.

🤔But is yelling at others the person I want to be?

🌿When someone makes a request I can't accept, or can't respond to,

I can flexibly say,

"Not now, but another day,"

"When can I help you?"

"To what extent can I help you?"

(A limit that doesn't compromise yourself and allows for ease)

Simply give this simple response, and let the other person choose.

Maintaining flexibility, giving both yourself and others some space in your responses, is actually healthier. It took me a long time to gradually find this flexible boundary, instead of just seeing things in extreme black and white.

When faced with truly unsolvable problems, we are all free to leave.

Because my life has always been a turbulent journey, in the process of practicing self-awareness, I slowly understood why I felt so wronged.

In the past, I cared too much about the feelings of others, too much about being a good person, a dutiful daughter, a virtuous wife, a good mother, and so on—I forced myself to do many things I didn't actually enjoy.

When I learned I had lymphoma, I placed my hand on my heart and looked at what was inside the tumor. It turned out to be filled with all my past grievances and resentments.

But it was only when I was most relaxed and able to accept myself that I discovered I had cancer. After all, cancer takes 10 years to develop.

And so I realized everything came at just the right time.

Although I have my low points, feeling that life has always been hard, that despite my efforts I haven't had a stable life, and wondering what the meaning of life is, having suffered multiple episodes of Sjögren's syndrome that left me paralyzed and bedridden, enduring so much pain that I feel I could accept life ending here.

But until the end, I will continue to actively seek treatment, strive to look beautiful and live happily, and then accept whatever fate has in store.

I really like the Stoic concept of the "dichotomy of control" 🌿 What I can control, I decide and handle. What I cannot control, I ignore. I cannot decide fate's arrangements, other people's thoughts, or the weather, but I can decide how I will spend each day.

This thought has helped me through countless difficulties because I know I've done my best and have no regrets 🥰

Thank you for living long enough to finally meet my dream cat 💕 🐈

Every day is filled with happiness with Milo~ It's so healing ✨

- This was written the day after chemotherapy.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me during this time 🥹🌿

It has shown me that I am truly a blessed person.

I also hope that everyone can see the blessings they possess, which are actually far more numerous and beautiful than they imagine 🥰💕