I just wrote this to our therapist. We have session 2 tomorrow...
Hi. He doesn't know that I'm writing this because he got angry as usual and isolated me. Please feel free to bring this up tomorriw. I hope all is well. I just wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. I just got back from chemo, Jay was watching TV. He said he had to watch it with commercials because he didn't find the show anywhere else. I said that we have Hulu and you can watch it there and he got so mad and started talking to me very condescending and with a nasty tone. This time is constant. I was reaching out, trying to connect and telling him there is an easy way to do what he was doing and got angry with me and went upstairs. Earlier in the week, he took me to Sloan for my third port. Went to check in and someone cancelled my appointment. I got upset and so did he but not as much as me. I asked him because I was waiting to be called if he would go speak to a manager about what's been going on. He said why. What are they going to do? I asked him to go advocating for me and he refused. How he speaks to me is a huge concern of mine. When we are out together, which is not often because he hates people, it is very obvious on how he speaks to me. After that ordeal,he gNe me the silent treatment like he does often for about 3 days. We both have to stop throwing out the word divorce because that is not helpful in any way. I constantly feel emotionally alone. I feel emotionally abandoned. I just got told that I should do more radiation on top of the chemo. He didn't ask about my appointment because he was still giving me the silent treatment. Even when we went up to visit his sister, her and her husband noticed how he talks to me. They even said, joking around, why are you so mean? So, it's not just me. My father said it to me the other day. We had another argument because I wanted to sleep over my dad's and my sister's next week because it's the anniversary of my mom's passing. I can't now because of therapy which is fine, but he would not budge because in order to get the dog, I had to agree that I wouldn't just pick up and go somewhere leaving him with the dog. The dog is ours, yet he always says it's my dog. He wouldn't budge because it's the anniversary of my mom passing. Who does that. I know I'm not easy to live with. I own up to it. I apologize when I'm wrong, and apologize way too much in general. He didn't even apologize after the silent treatment because he said he wasn't wrong. He came up to me after work and said are you done being angry? How he treats me and talks to me is disrespectful. He says I'm disrespectful all the time to him because he wants everything simple with no drama.
I feel like there’s no room for my hurt because problems become framed as my fault. I'm constantly dealing with:
the loss of your mother
the loss of the life you thought you’d have after surviving cancer the first time
the loss of emotional security in your marriage
the loss of your former energy and independence
the loss of feeling carefree or emotionally protected
I reach toward him for support, comfort, conversation, or connection.
He often seems overwhelmed, irritated, or emotionally unavailable.
His responses leave me feeling dismissed, criticized, or like a burden.
I end up feeling lonely, hurt, and questioning why he treats me this way.
Jay is a completely different person on vacation or a day off usually. Nothing is guaranteed. He retires next February. He mentioned awhile ago to deal with things how they are and they should change once he's retired. He could drop dead before then. I understand retirement may help, but I’m emotionally struggling now. I can’t put all my hope into a future version of us while we’re barely connecting in the present.
We've been in survival mode for almost 10 years. I never would have married him if he started out treating me this way.
I'm beyond lonely at this point. I feel for him that going to visit my family whether we are together or separate that the visits are a burden, we sleep separately
There is no emotional softness, there is no shared enjoyment. How can a spouse act like this during a time where their spouse needs them the most. I'm tired of hearing how tired and exhausted he is. After the last fight I said, this is seriously happening after I just got back from getting cancer treatment and he said don't play that card. Again, he's mean, aggressive, and dismissive. When I’m dealing with cancer and he shuts down emotionally, I feel alone and scared. I don’t just need problem-solving—I need emotional presence. I need to understand whether that is something we can build. I hear him on the phone with his sister and he's all happy. Same thing when he talks to his son. I heard my dad called him today.i asked about what and he said just to check on him. My husband has really no support system except my family and my family including myself are tired of the way he speaks to him in our home and outside. I'm the one with cancer and I'm trying to be in a good mood. I set my alarm for right before he comes home in order to spend time with him. Meaning, watching jeopardy without talking because he hates his job and wants to unwind. I don't know how much more I can take. This stress is definitely not helping with the poison being pumped iny body. He knows I want to go back to my school for some events. He's told me over and over how he feels that's not a good idea. If I don't agree with him on things, he takes it as a sign of disrespect. Is he for real? For a very smart man, he says stupid things a lot of the time. He had no patience or empathy for me at all. None. Zero.Zip. I hope therapy works. I have told him that I think he should talk to someone and that falls on deaf ears. Thank you reading this. We will see you tomorrow at 10am. Have a great rest of your day.
I can't believe this is happening to me while I'm dealing with Breast Cancer for the 2x. In sickness and in health?
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