how would you distinguish between "sincere giving" and "pleasing giving"

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I have been topping up for her online game acc for two years, but she left after seeing me twice

I met her over the phone.

To be honest, my love experience is embarrassingly little.

But I am really good to her.

Whatever she wants from the game, I will really buy all of the things that she really wants.

200, 500, 1000, 2000 dollars. She said "I really want it" and I went to pay for it .

Help her build and upgrade equipment, which costs five to six thousand for a set.

I thought this was called "intention".

We had started dating two years ago.

We are both nearly thirty years old in age, and we made it clear from the beginning: seriousness, and marriage as a prerequisite.

So I always thought that I was ready to be a reliable person.

Until we made an appointment to meet in Taipei for the first time.

The hotel is booked by her via channels.

I thought it would be fine to stay in an ordinary business hotel, but I learned that it costs NT$20,000 per night.

I looked at the price and heard a "thud" in my heart.

It is not that it is too expensive, it is just that it seems to be a different world from what I imagined.

All meals are included, starting from NT$6,000 for any meal.

The most amazing thing is that she pays the bill faster than I can react every time.

Just pick up the money, click the card, and collect it all in one go.

I just automatically returned half of it to her.

Half for each person, so fair and OK, right?

I still admired her a lot at that time.

I think this girl is so independent and cheerful.

At the same time, I secretly thought: I can not be rude, I have to be "considerate" again.

I asked her to meet again for the second time.

She started pushing.

Said she is busy talking, she does not even have time to talk, and the meeting may have to be cancelled.

But I really wanted to see her there.

I have already made an agreement with my familu and applied for leave in company on my job.

I just kept going.

When I loop her (the loop reached the end) , she said "Okay" first.

The room was reserved by her.

Dinner is very expensive and she pay it.

The taxi cost between a hundred and two hundred NT dollars per trip, but she just held out her hand and paid it to accepted it.

I thought to myself: It is up to her to pay such a small amount of money.

But the bill for the meal was almost NT$7,000, so I was embarrassed.

I originally wanted to give each person half, but in the end I gave him NT$4,000 and said, "I do not need any change. No change. "

I thought I was so decent and could take care of hdr face.

The next day at lunch, she grabbed the bill again.

But at that moment, I first discovered that I had no much cash left on me.

When I was buying tickets for the return trip, I was even much more worse - I did not even remember to bring my ATM card.

I gave her a Visa and asked her to buy tickets for me and hers.

She said that she wanted to return her share to me, and I acted generously:

"No need la."

You see, it seems very graceful to listen to me when everything is done.

But after returning to Hong Kong, everything started to get weird.

She began to slowly reply back. She was slower to reply to my messages at first.

From "morning" to "um".

From dozens of sentences a day to one sentence every two days.

I asked her: is something happened?

She only replied: I have been very busy recently.

The best part is, I saw that she was still online in the game.

Make jokes, play copies, and send emojis with people in the clan or the guild.

But when I say "have you really finished your work yet", she can stay one night and go back first.

I realized at that moment that the most painful thing was not breaking up.

Now you start to wonder: which part that she said is really the truest truth?

I finally could not help but ask her:

"What did I do wrong?"

After a long moment, she replied calmly:

"You did nothing wrong, we just did not match. You really did nothing wrong."

Follow up and add more sentences:

"You are good to me, you treat me very nice but I do not want to continue."

That is it.

A few years later, we became "friends" again.

I was sitting in front of my desk, looking at the deposit records, transfer screenshots, and game gift records on my phone.

Suddenly I felt so stupid.

It is not stupid because I am willing to pay.

It is because I have always used “giving” to change the answer: am I worthy of being loved?

Later, I thought back to our two meetings, and I dared to admit one thing:

I always thought I was very considerate, but in fact I was so frightened that I would lose her and so kept adding more cash to keep her and gave her invisible mental pressure.

If I loop her out, she will feel pressured.

I am generous and bold in the game, but in reality i would suddenly become mean, calculating and awkward in reality. He will think that I am unstable.

I kept saying "no change - do not give the change for me" and "do not need to pay me back", but in fact I wanted her to think well of me and that she owed me a favor.

And the most fearful thing about feelings is this:

You think you are in love, but what the other person feels is a burden.

I no longer blame her.

I no longer torture myself with the thought "I am not good enough".

I made three decisions to save myself:

First, do not use money as a way to chase people in the future.

It is okay to give gifts, but I will not use in game top up to buy companionship.

Second, do not loop or force the girl

If she want to see you, she will naturally do so by asking me from her own side

If Need me to force her come out to see me, she would not feel sweet.

If want you to stalk me and come out first, and it will not be sweet to see you next time.

Third, when dating, you need to clarify your rhythm and values.

It is not because I am afraid of being rude, but because I am afraid of wasting another two years before discovering: It turns out that we were on a different path from the beginning.

But looking back, this relationship is not meaningless.

She taught me in the most cruel and ruthless way:

Boundaries are more important than pleasing, and pride or self-esteem is more durable than touching.

What do you think?

Have you ever tried your best to be nice to someone, only to be pushed away by them in the end?

If it were you, how would you distinguish between "sincere giving" and "pleasing giving"?