I try to tell my self these "never loose yourself" daily and it has been working although not fast but it's working and it's getting better.
Like I said before, I really hated my self and any little thing I tend to go wild and I be like "I'm not worthy of anybody" or "you don't deserve anyone, you are too fat".so I just get depressed Everytime and everyday. My day was built round "the world belong to the slim" and only the slim or small people get the best people or are the best.
I started cutting my self off friends and I became quite aggressive and shy. Aggressive in the term of I just pass aggression because I wanted to cut people off my life since I thought I didn't deserve them. And shy because when I realized I was like that I couldn't even mumble up courage to talk to anyone because I thought I'd be rejected.
So I never had the opportunity of being in a relationship. Although, I had crushes (just 2) and people also liked me for who I was though, I just had to let them go because of my problem.
I was never a down to earth person but I became that and I lost hope in my self and the only thing that I lived on were songs and movies. I had to listen to songs all day inorder to feel alive and I watch a lot of movies about so many things that would make me happy.
Yes, I was delusional too😭. Delusional in the fact that i knew I was fat but inside me was a slim beautiful and popular girl that every one wants and likes. So I liked trying on small clothes that wouldn't size me, then when they don't size me I get annoyed at that fact. Then, I would walk up to someone and compare "am I as fat as this person, cos if I am I would literally hate my self more". That was always me comparing my fatness with another person and I'd always pray the answer was negative but people would say "yes, you are as fat as this person". But the funny thing was that I'd compare my self with people that I knew I was fatter than or we are both plus sized. But I just wanted to hear the answer no inorder to make my self happy and good.
But when people say NO, I go back to where I started from 😭😭. Like square 1 where I have to depend on songs and all that, cutting off people, not trying to meet new people, cared about people's opinions about me and also not cutting off on junks because that was the only thing I could live on due to my depression state.
Story continues...
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