Choose to be happy

"I Am Not This"

I smile in front of many people

But I will never guard down my wall

I smile when I suddenly see you in hall

But I will never look back if you call

Do you get my point? Do you?

That I can always smile when I'm with you

I can always talk to you if you want me to

But, that is not me. I am not the happy person that you see every now and then

I am not who you think I am

I used to write

But I can't hold my pen now that tight

And now, my paper is just a plain white

There's no even single word that can make it bright

And I am not this.

I used to cook

But I can't see now the right ingredients wherever I look

I'm just standing in the kitchen and wasting the time that I took

I don't know how to move, I am hooked

And I am not this.

I used to take photos with light

But I can't even hold now my camera right

I can't find a good subject and I'm losing my sight

I'm stuck in the dark, and I can't see the bright side

And I am not this.

I'm now writing a goodbye letter

I'm leaving. And now, it's forever

Where am I going? I don't even really know where

When I'm about to cook, I hold knife

But now, I'm holding it, I'm about to end my life

I am now holding my camera

Taking the last photo of my era

I used to fight

But I'm now losing my might

I can't understand the wind, It's losing it's flight

I'm losing my grip in my own kite

I'm tired in this life that full of hoax

I'm tired to walk

I'm tired to live in havoc

And I'm telling you, I am not this.

I'm a happy person

I'm not living in a confusion

I am not alone

I'm getting the right attention

I can go with the flow of population

I can laugh with you without hesitation

I can make you happy in our conversation

But I am telling you. I AM NOT THIS.

In a dark room 

There's a person living in a gloom

Crying silently. It's like that person doesn't want to hear the sobs, but she doesn't really have companion

That person that you always see smiling, greeting you, and laughing, is the person in the dark room

That person is full of wounds

A person who is afraid to get attached

Who is afraid to be watched

Afraid to be left, afraid to be judged

That smiling face is just a patch

Because, she's afraid of having another scratched

That person wants to be gone

That person wants her life to be done

That person is not really having fun

That person badly wants to run

Run away from pain, confusion, anxiety, sadness, sorrow, depression. That's all what she want.

To escape the sad reality

That person is me.

And this. 

THIS IS ME. THE REAL ME.