1. The myth of the perfect life
If you haven't guessed it already, the “perfect life” is a myth.
As someone now in their mid-30’s, who thinks deeply about life and what it means to live a good life, I’ve come to this conclusion: The first half of our lives are like one long inhale, as we strive to achieve the perfect life; the second half is like a long exhale, as we realize that there is no such thing, and make peace with it.
That’s not to say you shouldn't dream big and believe you can get what you want. I actually think you should and that it’s the best strategy; but at the same time, and somewhat contradictory, is to understand and accept that the perfect life is a myth.
And that’s ok — because you can still have an imperfect incredible life. It’s just that you won’t be deceived by unrealistic ideals, and will actually have a better chance at finding true “happiness.”
“The single greatest enemy of contemporary satisfaction may be the belief in human perfectibility. We have been driven to collective rage through the apparently generous yet in reality devastating idea that it might be within our natural remit to be completely and enduringly happy.
2.The myth of the perfect other
If there were such a thing as a “perfect partner” it would be someone who: has no annoying habits; you never fight with; never triggers you; always meets your needs; supports you in everything you ever do; doesn't drool when they sleep…
Sound realistic?
Of course not — yet, how many people do you know still looking for this person? I know a few.
It seems to me that what people are searching for is a “happily ever after” relationship — a myth perpetuated by Hollywood. We’ve all seen those movies, where a couple set off into the sunset to live the rest of their lives in bliss.
Unfortunately, these love stories don't have sequels, to show what happens when the honeymoon period ends and our brain chemistry returns to normal.
In many real-life relationships, this is usually when the rollercoaster ride stops and the arguments start. All of a sudden, the halo of perfection that once surrounded your partner dissipates.
When the mismatch between reality and the mythical ideal becomes apparent, it can spell the end of many relationships. One partner or another decides that they’ve “made a mistake,” and that it's time to dust off the Tinder profile — because the perfect one is still out there.
Of course, some of these breakups are justified, but many aren’t.
According to relationship expert Stan Tatkin, a key problem is that people come to relationships wanting “easy.” “Easy” sounds great — it sounds perfect — but it's an unrealistic expectation because humans are not easy. In fact, Stan believes:
“There’s actually nothing more difficult on the planet than another person”
So, what’s the solution?
Maybe it’s maturity — maybe it’s repeated painful failed relationships — but in my experience, sooner or later, most people realize that there is no such thing as a perfect partner.
There are great, amazing partners that you’ll love and won’t want to live without, but no one is as perfect as that image you (with a little help from Hollywood) created in your head.
Swallowing that red pill is half the battle. Once you do, you can more easily accept your partner and their perceived “flaws.” You stop second-guessing the relationship on a daily basis and start putting in the work to create a more realistic version of what a good relationship should be.
To be clear, I’m not saying don’t end a bad relationship. I’m saying, don't believe in the myth of the perfect person — because your imagination will always fool you into believing that person exists, and cloud your ability to appreciate the person you are with, and you’ll never settle.
3. The myth of the perfect job
Gone are the days of “a job for life” — today, the average person will change career 5-7 times in their lifetime.
Job-hopping is accepted in today’s market, and that’s a good thing — unless you are job-hopping like you’ve ants in your pants looking for the “perfect job.”
Jobs are like many other experiences in life: exciting at the start — we are stimulated by a new work environment, new colleagues, and new challenges —but the unfamiliar soon becomes familiar, and the excitement we had at the beginning beings to wain.
I’ve witnessed this with my job-hopping friends in the corporate world — one in particular who has changed 6 times in 2 years. They are initially happy in a new role, but about 2 months in, they get itchy feet again and start scouring the internet for new “exciting” opportunities.
In most of these cases, it’s clear that they’ve been infected by the myth of “the perfect job.” I know this because when I dig a little deeper and ask what this perfect job would be like, it’s apparent they’re looking for a job that: will always feel exciting; where they’ll never feel stressed; where they’ll love everything they have to do; and where they can instantly “make an impact.”
You shouldn’t be miserable at work, but no job is perfect. You’ll always have to do things that are hard and that aren’t your definition of fun. But there’s also a certain gratification to be found in doing things you don’t like. Not “instant gratification” — which we’ve become used to — but a deeper and often delayed sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that comes from pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone, from overcoming challenges and getting through a hard week at work.
The truth is we need both fun exciting times and hard challenging times to derive meaning and fulfillment from our work. It’s not the “sweet” or the “sour” that makes “sweet-and-sour” taste nice — it’s the combination of both.
Remember that the next time you are cursing your less-than-perfect job. And remember that if it was “easy” and “fun” all the time, then you’d probably get bored and look to move on.
4. The myth of the perfect outcome
Whatever it is we try to do — launch a business, run a race, take an exam—we rarely, if ever, get the “perfect outcomes” we want.
It can feel frustrating because we’re usually emotionally attached to the outcome we’ve imagined. When things don’t go as planned, it can feel like the “end of the world.”
But, the truth is, in the bigger-picture view of things, it’s impossible to know whether what happens is actually “good” or “bad.”
Often, what seems like a “bad” outcome ends up leading to a better outcome down the line. We’ve all heard some version of the story where someone loses their job, thinks it’s a disaster, but then gets offered a much better-paid and more fulfilling job a few weeks later.
The philosopher Alan Watts once said:
“it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens is good or bad, because you never know what will be the consequences of a misfortune, or you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.”
I’ve been trying to live by this philosophy and to let go of attachments to certain outcomes in many areas of my life. I won’t lie, it’s hard, and requires conjuring up “faith” that things will work out for the best. But it has made me less emotionally reactive to things that happen, and that’s been a positive.
I also know that it’s better than the alternative — because “perfect outcomes” are a myth, and being overly fixated on getting them is a sure way to be miserable in life.
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