More often than not, most of the mistakes we make or have made at some point in our lives were a result of not having someone advise us before taking that step or decision. While the common justification for this is that “we are all doing life for the first time”, there are people who have walked that same road that you’re on now and the beauty of life is that it is a continuous cycle, and what this means is that there is no brand-new experience anywhere- certainly not when it comes to dating.
Here are some of the things I wish I knew or had someone tell me before I started dating:
1. You don’t have to date- It’s unpopular because it’s not what most people want to hear or are interested in hearing, but I will say it again “IT IS NOT A DO-OR-DIE AFFAIR”. It’s okay to not be with someone, there’s still a huge deal of your life ahead of you. What’s even worse is when you feel the need or compulsion to be with someone. If you just got out of a relationship, let yourself heal and if you have never been in a relationship, take your time and embrace yourself and your entire process of becoming. It is far better to wait than to rush into something you’re unprepared for.
2. Understand yourself and be sure you’re ready for a relationship- One of the reasons most people find it difficult to either balance their love life with the rest of their lives or to have a healthy relationship when dating is that they don’t understand themselves. The problem with not knowing what you want, who you are, and what you’re looking for is that you are most likely going to place on another individual, the burden of figuring it out for both of you. Forget peer influence/pressure, figure yourself out, be real to yourself, and do not enter into something you are unprepared for!
3. Love yourself first- I know this may sound cliché, but when you love yourself first, you appreciate yourself and even more so, you can know how much love you have to give. At the end of the day, no words of affirmation would matter if you have not accepted yourself for who you are without having someone tell you or remind you of it.
4. Know your priorities so you don’t mis-prioritize- As important as understanding yourself is, you must also know the things that matter most to you, so you don’t misplace the important things. Set for first what should be first and for last what should be last.
5. Feelings can get overwhelming, but you don’t have to always act on them- Being human means that we will get to experience different types of emotions at different points in time. But one thing that you will not get to hear all the time is that you don’t always have to take steps or make decisions based on every emotion you feel. While this seems so much easier said than done, sometimes all it takes is letting ourselves breathe and then understanding what it is we are feeling.
6. Perfect people don’t exist so also, perfect relationships are myths- There is no perfect person anywhere, so there is no perfect relationship too. When you understand this, it’ll be easier for you to set realistic expectations before deciding to date and even when you eventually decide to date. However, do not confuse conflict as an inevitable part of living with toxicity as an anomaly in dating.
7. It’s okay if it doesn’t work out at the end of the day- It is okay if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay if it doesn’t go as well as you thought it would, and it’s okay if your feelings eventually change. Sometimes part of life is accepting the fact that, whatever will be, will be, as long as it is meant to be. So don’t beat yourself up over the number of failed relationships you’ve had. Consider it all as a part of your becoming and evolving!
There are enough standards to live up to today, and the last thing anyone would want is to do anything to fall short of this. However, just like I began with, I would also like to conclude that, dating is not a do-or-die affair. Know your season and embrace all you need to learn in that very season of your life. At the right time, the right things will locate you; until then, focus on yourself. If you are currently in a relationship, make conscious efforts to make it work and it will be fine.
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