remember you coming up to me in the house all teary eyed one afternoon when you were four years old. It was Christmas season and we were visiting your babu and you were out playing with your cousins. One of them then informed you that once you were big enough, your penis would be chopped off."Is it true Mommy? Is it true? Will I be cut? Will I bleed?" you asked with frightened tears in your eyes."No baby," I responded, trying to console you."But Ciiru said it's true," you persisted.
My first instinct was to tell you that the whole idea of any cut happening on your body was a lie and send you off happily. But I knew even then that I can't shield you from the world. I shouldn't want to. My job is to prepare you for it. So I sat you on my lap and tried to tell you the truth about circumcision in the non-scariest way."Yes, there will be a very small cut. Just a little. You will not even feel it."That seemed to calm you a little bit but I could almost hear your little mind spinning."But why do I need to be cut?"Instead of giving you an answer, I distracted you. I could have told you that you will be circumcised because this act makes you a man but I would have been lying. It doesn't.
The circumcision practice is older than recorded history. Through the ages, different men have embraced or shunned the cut for different reasons. For some, in the days of your great grandparents, it marked the transition to adulthood or to warrior status, to enhance or reduce s*exual pleasure and even in some places, as a symbol of a higher social status. Others saw human s*exuality as impure and thus the act of genital mutilation was seen as a form of purification. In East Africa, circumcision was seen as a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood. Following the procedure, the initiates were free to go to war, date and marry.
With civilization, thankfully, most of these cultural norms, like the thought that a 13-year-old is ready to go to war just because his foreskin has been removed, have been abandoned. The physical tradition of circumcision, however, remains. Today, about 30 percent of males globally are circumcised - including infants. In Kenya, amongst communities that practise it, there is a lot of fuss surrounding it. One could say that it is seen as a source of personal pride and identity. In the past, this rite of passage was accompanied by preparation for the new phase of life in the form of education and mentorship from other males after which the initiates would be given responsibilities and pushed to fend for themselves.
Today, even after circumcision, there is still school and then career pursuits which keep men dependent on their parents until they are well in their twenties. This has created a disconnect between getting circumcised and actually being ready for the responsibilities of manhood. In short, getting circumcised will not make you a man. The ceremonies surrounding it in the past may have prepared you a little bit but not in this day and age, True, going through circumcision today will change the perception of those around you. It's a point of induction into what it means to be a man. But it isn't what makes a boy a man. I believe that the true transition to manhood happens within a man, not without. So where does manhood begin?
The onset of manhood, I believe, has little to do with age or rites of passage. It starts with the state of mind. Manhood, just like womanhood, begins with self awareness. It begins at the point where a boy thinks of and decides on the kind of man he wants to be. From here on, his values and actions reflect this. This may take him a few years.
Manhood begins at the point where a boy is capable and willing to take responsibility first for himself and then for the consequences of his actions. It is the ability and the willingness to protect the people that he loves.
My friend Rashid told me an interesting story about his 18th birthday. Instead of the usual cake and food, his father took him out to a bar and ordered two beers."If you are ever going to drink, I want you to have drink with me. I want your transition to manhood to be with me," he told him after opening both bottles. your firstThinking that it was a trick, he was hesitant but eventually, he took the bottle and took a swig. Over a decade later, he only drinks occasionally. He tells me that his father offering him a drink, his not having to hide the fact that he may want to drink is the main reason he has a healthy relationship with the bottle. That makes sense. What I disagree with is the assumption that being able to drink and to hold the alcohol down is what makes a boy a man. It isn't.Neither is smoking, driving, doing drugs or being free to do whatever you want when you want it.The appearance of a man So I will tell you this my son, as you get off your pre teenage years and get into teenage, you will grow taller. You'll get a wider chest, a deeper voice and in tow will be your freedom. Don't let physical strength fool you into thinking that you have come of age. Manhood comes in different sizes, different levels of strength. So it isn't attaining the physical strength that makes a boy a man. Neither is growing a beard or mastering the art of shaving one.
The truth is that these physical changes will only give you the appearance of a man. This appearance of manhood is both deceptive and dangerous. There have been countless stories of boys experimenting with se*x after initiation and getting a girl pregnant only to create a big mess because neither of them was prepared for parenthood. The physical ability to sire a child does not make you a man. It is the ability and the willingness to step up to the plate when you do that does. It's the thought that if a boy looks grown up, then he is a man that has led to the current outbreak of the little man of the house syndrome' in our homes. It's where mothers, especially those raising their sons with little or no involvement of their fathers or male role models, unknowingly start treating their boys as men. As pseudo spouses."You are the man of the house now. Take care of your sisters," a woman will tell her 13-year-old son.
He will try to be a man because he wants to make her happy. Of course, because he is still a boy, he can't fit into these shoes, so he slowly slides into quasi-adulthood. Becomes a man who is mentally and emotionally immature. A man with no sense of identity.
Manhood begins at the point where a male becomes decisive. This point has little to do with physical looks. It's about emotional and spiritual growth, the emotional and mental maturity. The economic maturity which keeps him from financial carelessness. Which makes him able to hold down a job.
The assumption that reaching a certain age or looking a certain way is what makes a boy a man has seen many young males desperate to prove their manhood in destructive ways.
Unfortunately, no amount of drinking or smoking, no amount of s*ex or por*nog*raphy consumption, no number of romantic relationships can turn a boy into a man. On the flip side, we have men who refuse to grow up. Males who live in perpetual boyhood and this, to the chagrin of people around them, is reflected in their attitudes, their lifestyles and even expectations from life. Men who move out of their mother's house to be mothered by their girlfriends and wives.
You will not become ready just because. The transition to manhood is deliberate. Manhood needs to be earned... perhaps more than once. And it is better and faster achieved under the wings of good, male role models. Experienced males who can pass on qualities like loyalty, impulse control, respect and resourcefulness.
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