Title: The Day I Fainted Because of Garri
Written by precious precious
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In the town of Ibadan, there was a young man named Seyi, who loved food more than anything—especially garri and groundnut. His friends used to joke that if you cut him open, instead of blood, garri would come out!
One fateful afternoon, Seyi had just returned from work, sweating like a Christmas goat. He was too tired to cook, so he decided to prepare his favorite meal—ice-cold garri with sugar, milk, and groundnut.
He fetched his biggest bowl, poured the garri, added plenty of sugar, and then threw in the groundnut like a millionaire. Finally, he went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of chilled water. As soon as the water touched the garri, Seyi’s soul left his body.
The garri swelled up like a spiritual attack!
“Chineke! Is this the same garri I poured just now?” he whispered, his heart pounding.
But hunger is a stubborn disease, and Seyi was not ready to give up. He grabbed a spoon and started eating with full confidence, swallowing mouthfuls like a garri ambassador.
Halfway through, something strange happened. His stomach started sounding like a generator during fuel scarcity.
“Gbooooom! Grrrrrrr! Baaam!”
Seyi paused. “Ah! What’s going on?”
Before he could think, his stomach did the Azonto dance! His eyes turned red, sweat covered his face, and suddenly—his legs started shaking.
POOOOM!
A powerful thunderous fart escaped, shaking the room. Plates fell from the shelf. His neighbor’s baby started crying. The dog outside barked in fear.
Seyi panicked. “Is this my end? Will garri be the reason I don’t see 2026?!”
He ran to the bathroom but tripped over his slippers and landed face-first in his own bowl of garri.
At that moment, his best friend, Tunde, entered the house. He saw Seyi lying on the floor, covered in garri, his stomach still making sounds.
Tunde screamed, “JESUS! Seyi don die!”
Before Seyi could explain, Tunde took off his shirt, started crying, and shouted, “Somebody help! My guy don drink expired garri!”
Neighbors rushed in. Mama Nkechi from next door ran in with holy water, sprinkling it on Seyi’s head, shouting, “BACK TO SENDER! BACK TO SENDER!”
The local herbalist, Baba Ojo, entered with a native sponge. “Let me wash his head before it’s too late!”
Seyi, now fully awake, shouted, “I NEVER DIE! NA MY STOMACH OH!”
Everyone paused. The room went silent. Then, suddenly…
Tunde burst into laughter. Mama Nkechi collapsed on the chair, holding her stomach. Baba Ojo dropped his sponge and wiped his eyes. The whole neighborhood laughed until they couldn’t breathe.
From that day, Seyi earned a new nickname: “Garri Warrior.” But one thing was certain—he never drank that much garri again in his life!
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